Synopsis
Although “maddening mother problems” are universal, the majority of adult women describe their relationship with their mother as one of the most important—and one of the most complicated in their lives. I’m a psychologist with an expertise in working with mothers and daughters. Like many other therapists, my own unhealed wounds pulled me into my specialty. I’ve spent several decades helping women mine their mother-stories, mend their wounds and find peace, freedom and joy.
While you didn’t pick your mother, as an adult you now have the opportunity to choose your path as a daughter. Stories are great teachers, these tales from my office and my life will hopefully help you untangle your stuck places, develop compassion for yourself (and possibly your mother as well) and celebrate a connection you thought doomed to disappointment and hurt.
Amazon * B&N * IndieBound * Kobo
Guest Post
The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother
by Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD
This book was born in 1983, when my 68-year-old divorced mother-in-law announced her remarriage. Ironically, her second wedding coincided with my divorce– from none other than her son! I’d always assumed her life as a divorced woman was lonely and difficult, but she opened up and dissuaded me of that belief. Her message was clear: single life could be fun! I joined a writing group and began writing about her (working title) Between Marriages: The Diary of a Mid-Life Woman. A month into the group, I switched gears and began writing about my mother. Two of the key stories in The Girl in the Red Boots were written then.
Between 1983 and The Girl in the Red Boots, I published two books and dozens of articles. In the background, I continued writing about my complicated relationship with my mother. Flash forward to 2013. Following my mother’s death, I decided to assemble my writing. Nervous about revealing my personal issues, I enrolled in both a fiction and non-fiction class. In writing two versions of the same story, it became clear that memoir was my stronger voice.
Writing this book became my ritual of mourning. My mother’s last years were difficult. She spent a decade battling Parkinson’s disease and dementia; it was a slow, sad, debilitating ending. I was the loyal and devoted daughter who was also despairing and resentful as I plunged into what is now a familiar journey: accompanying our parents to the gates. I grieved for my mother as she deteriorated, I grieved for myself, too, as I tenaciously stood by her. Giving myself time to write helped me sift through her life and our relationship.
The subtitle of my book is Making Peace with My Mother. In writing this book I learned it wasn’t my mother I needed to make peace with so much as with my ambivalent feelings towards her. I’d always loved her but I’d struggled with my angry and resentful feelings. I puzzled over why I was unable to let go of my grievances. Now that I’ve written the book, I understand why: it’s difficult to let go of a traumatic experience without processing it.
For much of my life I’d helped patients understand that one doesn’t have to be victimized by cataclysmic abuse to be scarred by trauma. Unwittingly, I’d minimized the impact of events in my own life I would later understand as traumatic. Writing has always helped me release and process my feelings—and helped me face my blind spots. Ultimately it’s been a lifelong resource.
The main message of this book is that it is possible to heal a wounded relationship. The centerpiece tells the story of how I healed my relationship with my mother, and The Girl in the Red Boots is filled with stories of how I helped my patients, young girls and women with eating disorders, heal as well. Working with patients offered me the opportunity to reflect on my relationship with my mother. A breakthrough moment occurred when I asked myself why I was able to be compassionate to my patients’ mothers but lacked compassion for mine. Asking this question shifted something important in me. Sometimes simply asking a new question is enough to create change.
Part memoir, part self-help, here are five takeaways:
- It’s never too late to change your story and change your life. Even if your parent is dead you have the opportunity to revisit your story and rewrite your life.
- Love is always imperfect. All of us are flawed, limited and have blind spots. Speaking about creating compelling characters in her compelling memoir, Wild Game, Adrienne Brodeur quoted Vivian Gornick’s advice, “You have to show the loneliness of the monster and the cunning of the victim.” While writing my memoir, I kept those words taped to a bulletin board above my desk. Ambivalence is part of all relationships.
- No one is as bad as the worst thing s/he has ever done. For many years I held onto “Bad Mommy” stories, They reinforced my dissatisfaction with my mother. I carried a limited single story. Broadening my perspective helped me heal.
- We are all imperfect narrators. Your story is simply a story. Now is a good time to examine any stories you tell yourself repeatedly. Do your stories reinforce your grudges? Are you telling a story as a victim or a survivor? Change your story, change your life.
- Stories are our best teachers. Every story you hear has the possibility of changing you. The necessary ingredients are a curious mind and an open heart.
About the Author
Judith Ruskay Rabinor, PhD, is a clinician, author, writing coach, speaker, and workshop leader. In addition to her New York City private psychotherapy practice, she offers remote consultations for writers, clinicians, and families. She has published dozens of articles for both the public and professionals and has authored three books, The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother (She Writes Press, 2021), A Starving Madness: Tales of Hunger, Hope and Healing in Psychotherapy (Gurze Books, 2002) and Befriending Your Ex After Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids and Yes, Your Ex (New Harbinger Publications, 2012). A sought-after speaker and workshop leader, Judy speaks at national and international mental health conferences and runs workshops at spas, colleges and universities, and retreat centers.
Debra Silverman is the author of The Missing Element: Inspiring Compassion for the Human Condition. When Debra was just 20 years old, she met an astrologer who blew her mind and changed her world forever. She had officially been introduced to the world of Astrology. It was then that she realized the stars in her own world had aligned just right, and she had found her life’s purpose. Debra went on to deeply study the mind and body, earning a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology & Dance from York University and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University. Over the past 40 years of professional experience and private practice, she has specialized in helping thousands of individuals achieve emotional health and wisdom based on their unique personality and the four elements: water, air, earth, and fire. Her work with families, individuals, and couples has her standing out in a sea of therapists and coaches. She has taught at the internationally renowned Esalen Institute, and her work has taken her around the globe, practicing and lecturing in places like New York, Los Angeles, London, Vancouver, Seattle, and Boulder, Colorado.
Dr. Allen Lycka has been acknowledged as one of the leading cosmetic dermatologists in the world for three decades. A pioneer in cosmetic surgery, he helped to develop laser-assisted tumescent liposuction – an advanced body sculpture technique, and Moh’s Micrographic Surgery, an advanced means of removing skin cancer with 99% success. He has lived and practiced in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada since 1989. He’s written 17 books, 30+ academic papers, and hosted the number one internet radio show in the world – Inside Cosmetic Surgery Today. He is a co-founder of Doctors for the Practice of Safe and Ethical Aesthetic Medicine and founder of The Canadian Skin Cancer Association. He has won the prestigious Consumers Choice Award For Cosmetic Surgery for 16 consecutive years.
As a Turning Point expert, Harriet Tinka is a perfect example of someone finding a need in the community and filling it. Despite dealing with obstacles in her life, she has overcome those hurdles and has found success by inspiring thousands of audiences to reach their full potential.
All around us, older women flourish in industry, entertainment, and politics. Do they know something that we don’t, or are we all just trying to figure it out? For so many of us, our hearts and minds still feel that we are twenty-something young women who can take on the world. But in our bodies, the flexibility and strength that were once taken for granted are far from how we remember them. Every day we have to rise above the creaky joints and achy knees to earn the opportunity of moving through the world with a modicum of grace.
Stephanie Raffelock is the author of A Delightful Little Book on Aging (She Writes Press, April 2020). A graduate of Naropa University’s program in Writing and Poetics, she has penned articles for numerous publications, including the Aspen Times, the Rogue Valley Messenger, Nexus Magazine, Omaha Lifestyles, Care2.com, and SixtyandMe.com. Stephanie is part of the positive-aging movement, which encourages viewing age as a beautiful and noble passage, the fruition of years that birth wisdom and deep gratitude for all of life. She’s a recent transplant to Austin, Texas, where she enjoys life with her husband, Dean, and their Labrador retriever, Jeter (yes, named after the great Yankee shortstop).
Highly sensitive, a natural empath, healer, teacher, and scribe, Darlene Green has followed her heart’s direction in the discovery of the sacred in life. After many years of spiritual practice and study, Darlene experienced an invitation by the Masters of the Council of Light to sit with them as a scribe, daily, for one year and one day. The result is the extensive body of work that is In Service to Love, relayed through three books: In Service to Love Book 1: Love Remembered, In Service to Love Book 2: Love Elevated and In Service to Love Book 3: Love Now.
Matt Zinman is a personal success trainer whose varied experiences as an entrepreneur, athlete, single parent, caretaker, consultant and nonprofit founder drive him to be a difference-maker and positively impact as many people as possible.
An executive for over 40 years in the public and private sectors, Louis Bezich currently serves as a Senior Vice-President with a major health care system. He is an adjunct professor in the Graduate Department of Public Policy and Administration at the Camden Campus of Rutgers University and sits on various public, non-profit and corporate boards. Bezich has published numerous articles in the field of public administration and health and is a contributing author to Corporate Lawbreaking and Interactive Compliance, edited by Jay A. Sigler and Joseph E. Murphy. He holds a master’s degree in public policy from Rutgers University, a bachelor’s degree in social science from the University of Tampa and is a graduate of Harvard University’s Program for Senior Executives in State and Local Government.
Christopher Kerr, MD, PhD, is the author of Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End. He is the CEO and chief medical officer at Hospice Buffalo. Born and raised in Toronto, Kerr earned his MD as well as a PhD in neurobiology and completed his residency in internal medicine at the University of Rochester. His research has received international attention and has been featured in The New York Times, Atlantic Monthly, and the BBC. He lives on a horse farm in the small town of East Aurora, New York.
TODD E. PRESSMAN, Ph.D., is a psychologist dedicated to helping people design lives of fulfillment. He is the founder and director of Logos Wellness Center and Pressman and Associates Life Counseling Center. An international speaker and seminar leader, he has presented at the Omega Institute, the New York Open Center, and numerous professional conferences, including the prestigious Council Grove Conference, sponsored by the Menninger Foundation. He has written dozens of articles, educational programs, and two highly acclaimed books, Radical Joy: Awakening Your Potential for True Fulfillment and The Bicycle Repair Shop: A True Story of Recovery from Multiple Personality Disorder. He earned his doctorate in psychology from the Saybrook Institute and an undergraduate degree from the University of Pennsylvania, has studied under renowned leaders in the Consciousness movement and Gestalt therapy, and has traveled around the world to study the great Wisdom traditions, from Zen Buddhism to fire-walking ceremonies, providing a cross-cultural perspective of the extraordinary capacities of the mind and spirit. He makes his home in Philadelphia.