Synopsis

And She Was Never the Same Again is about you. It is about your family and your friends, everyone you’ve ever met, and all the strangers you have yet to meet.

It takes you on a journey of gains and losses that stretch generations, cultures, identities, and decades of time. It awakens you to the inevitable and makes you look at things most people want to avoid seeing. It explores near-death experiences; medical, individual, and intergenerational trauma; the stigmatized death of a partner; perfectionism; athletics; first loves; and the gaping holes that become permanent fixtures within us when those we love the most die.

​You will feel, you will learn, you will grown, and you will never be the same again.

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Author Interview

How do you balance the personal and universal elements in a multigenerational memoir?

I try to make it clear throughout the book that there is no one way or right way to grieve and/or respond to significant life events. Although grief and loss are universal experiences, the ways we experience them are as varied as the number of people on the planet. I challenge readers to consider how they may react, respond, or be affected by various ideas/events presented in the book by asking them to step outside the character and consider their own identities, families, etc., in relation to the life events presented. By bringing light to the individual nuances, I hope to take away from the stigma and expectations of grief that often stunt the natural grief process we all go through in our own time and space.

What role does culture play in how different generations perceive and process grief?

This question is vast and could be discussed for hours. At the beginning of the book, I make the point that each of us has a unique set of identities that intersect multi-directionally and affect how we walk through life. The layers of these identities and the expectations of a given culture all contribute to our perceived sense of emotional safety, social support/constraint, and ability to feel a sense of validation, connection, and belonging. The norms of a given culture can strongly influence what is acceptable regarding grief in both public and private spheres. What is acceptable to talk about and name in a given culture? What is given light and room to be explored vs. what is encouraged to be swept under the rug? All of these norms, direct and indirect, will influence how we individually and collectively understand and work through our own grief. I try to highlight this by exploring some of the varying identities of the characters in my own life and their reactions to certain losses presented in the book.

Can you share a particularly impactful story or anecdote from your memoir that illustrates a key concept about grief?

A key concept is recognizing the complexity of our grief as individuals and how much more tangled that can become when considering collective experiences in tandem. At various points, I discuss the different reactions and perspectives of myself and my loved ones alongside one another while grieving the same event. What I was experiencing/needing could be quite the opposite of what someone else was experiencing/needing, even if our loss was the same. It speaks to the varying dyadic and group relationship dynamics and how our values/needs can influence how we show up and what we display externally vs. how we cope internally. An example of this comes in my explanation of how I and my loved ones have changed as a result of the death of my grandma. No one is right or wrong, but it can be pretty confusing when there are energy, desire, and wishes clashes.

How did writing this memoir impact your grieving process?

I am still processing the full impact. It allowed me to confront and acknowledge pieces about myself, my history, and my family in ways I hadn’t before and provided great strides in my ability to talk about difficult things. It allowed me to be introspective and genuinely explore what impacts me and why. I had to feel a lot and was challenged by my editor to go deeper, or in some cases not go so deep, to be sure I still crafted a manuscript that others could connect with. It has allowed for vulnerable expression and taking more accountability for what has happened in the past – making it easier for me to sit and be with certain emotions from the stories told. It has also shed light on what I still try to avoid and why that is and posed questions for me to figure out how to keep moving forward. The work is never done.

What were some of the biggest challenges you faced while writing about such a deeply personal topic?

The vulnerability. To be honest, I still feel very uneasy about it. I worry a lot that I’ll regret it, that it was too much, that it should have been a “for my eyes only” sort of project. But I also believe that in the hands of readers who are open to it, they can see themselves in these stories and use my vulnerability as a seed for their own. There are sections where I was uncertain about how much/how little detail to include. I also feel like there are likely moments where I am “telling” about feelings more than “showing” them, which speaks to some of my own blind spots, but I hope that doesn’t take away the experience for the reader. My perfectionism also became quite strong at various points – constantly feeling like it wasn’t quite right, there was more to be done, and the finished product wasn’t “good enough.” You have to let go of that eventually, or you’ll never publish, but that really tested me and continues to in the post-launch phase. For example, after listening to the audiobook, there are several places I feel I am too redundant and wish I could condense once more.

How do you hope your book will change readers’ perceptions or understanding of grief?

I hope that readers will better understand how complex it is, that it never goes away but changes shape over time, and that we don’t need to pathologize, medicate, or demonize someone’s process if it doesn’t match our own. I hope to shed light on how talking about it, accepting it, and addressing it can actually make us live more holistically and can strengthen our ability to adapt by better understanding the gains and losses of all lived events, desirable or undesirable. I also hope it will help others learn to take a bit more and look at the people in their lives from multiple vantage points, which may help them better understand themselves, their relationships, and their experiences/understanding of the world. In my opinion, all of this helps ease people’s suffering by acknowledging that it exists. I hope it will give them the tools and strength to be with it and figure out how to move forward and through it.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to write about their own experiences with grief?

Do it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and if you need an experience like writing to work through your own process and feel brave enough to allow others into your internal world, I commend you and am grateful for the risks you are willing to take. Others will be too.

About the Author

Dr. Trujillo is a counseling and sport psychologist, consultant, educator, author, and human. Labels don’t make her better or worse-equipped to deal with inevitable grief throughout life. She’s passionate about the power of storytelling and wanted to illustrate nuanced ways we cope with grief. Like you, she’s had losses and decided risking vulnerability may encourage others to redefine relationships with loss to live more holistic and intentional lives. She hopes this limited collection of stories can build the realization that there’s no “right” way to grieve.

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